Fear

I'm tired.

I've sat here for four months waiting for something to happen -- something to change, or more correctly, to change back. Something, ANYTHING, but it simply didn't happen.

I made a promise to someone a couple months ago, even though she's not in my life anymore. I promised her that on New Year's I would move on. I intend to keep that promise. I have other friends, I have other people that I'm very close to. I will never be able to fill the hole that Jasmine has left in my life, but maybe, just maybe, I can cover it up a little bit with the friends I still have who love me very much.

I'm afraid to be alone. Is that a human fear, or just me? I know many many people who are afraid to be alone, but also many who are not. I hate to be alone -- I feel my own existence invalidated simply by the lack of people around me. In many ways I believe that a person exists entirely because they are percieved by others, and if one has no impact on others' lives, then that person does not matter. This is not a hard and fast rule (anymore), and there are many "ifs," "ands," and "buts," but as a general rule I feel people are defined by those around them. When I am alone, I feel myself undefined, I find myself confused and scared with no one to turn to. I hope I'm not the only one who feels like that.

I have lost so much in the past half year, I can't even bear to think about it. I've lost my hobby, my career, my wife, my friends, my home, and in my ways my future. I have a few very dear friends left, of course, and I still have my family, but in many ways I have lost myself, as well. Aubrianne, Lewis, you never cease to amaze me with how much love and caring you show me for someone as blatantly uninteresting as myself. Mom, you really make me angry nearly every time I talk to you about things, which is why I tend to keep you out of it. But sometimes, you're there right when I need you. Sarah Beth, well, I know if there's ever something I need to talk about, my sister will be there for me as always. I treasure our closeness. I love you all very dearly, but so often I can't see the trees that are left from the clearcut that has happened. So many people hate me, despise me, will leave at the very mention of me. People I once trusted. People I called "friend" with no hesitation. Including the ultimate betrayal of the only person I have ever completely opened my heart to, and the penultimate betrayal of the only person I showed my full pain to.

It's difficult to imagine how there are still solid things in life when everything has been so suddenly sweeped out from underneath me. It's nigh impossible. I'd hard to continue when everything I continued for is gone. I am not a self-motivating person. I know you are, Aubrianne, and I know you are, Lewis, and EVERYONE knows you are, Mom and SB, but I'm not. I have never been. In school I was motivated by my family. In life I was motivated by my friends. In love I was motivated by my Reinita. So quickly all my motivations have faded. My family can't motivate me to go to class anymore, it doesn't make any sense. My friends can't be there to motivate me to get up, to get a job, to live. My Reinita left me for a man who lives in Denmark, and settled for a man who lives just six hours away (the penultimate betrayer of the above paragraph). I can count on my hands how many times I have WANTED to get up in the past four months. Everything is fading. My love, my life, my career, my will to push forward. Slowly, so very slowly, it's getting better, but far too slowly.

I have nothing to be strong for anymore. Don't say "yourself," because that's never worked for me. I used to be strong for Jasmine, and she would be strong for me. Before that I was strong because I didn't know any other way to be. Now, I'm just weak, when everyone around me just wants me to be strong, especially Jasmine. I will try to be strong for her, and I will tell her that she is not to tell me not to. I know I need to self-motivate, but I've tried so hard and failed so much, I'm tired of trying. Maybe, someday, someone will help me see that I, in myself, am worth motivation, but I honestly don't know.

Sorry for the depressing posting, I'm feeling sad.

I'm supposed to see Jasmine tomorrow. That might be nice. I'm hopefully going to see Aubrianne soon too, after she finishes all her family Christmas stuff, and talk to her about what happened with Jasmine. I'm scared to tell her what I did. I'm scared she won't respect me anymore, the way I don't respect me anymore. Oh well, I suppose I deserve it.

Right after it all happened, I got to a point where I just didn't care about anything. My emotions died, and I just went forward because I had to. Maybe I need to go there again, but I hated it.... We'll see.

Thanks for listening,
Adam

Duncan Family Christmas

No deep thoughts for you today. We're having Duncan Family Christmas today, which means stress, people, family, and presents. I'm all for the last two, but the first two kinda throw it off! Regardless, that means lots of stuff to do and not too much time to reflect.

To those not in-the-know, Duncan Family Christmas is where all the out-of-town extended family, and basically anyone else who can't be here for the 25th, come down to Eugene and we have Christmas. It's always lots of fun to see cousins and grandparents I only see a few times a year, but lots of people in a tiny space make me nervous. Regardless, this means I have presents to open today, and that makes any red-blooded American happy.

Enjoy your December 16th, world, while I enjoy my pseudo-Christmas

Expectations

What qualities do you look for in a friend? To me it's compatible personalities (basically anyone I can get along with reasonably well), a sense of morality (a friend doing evil is the same as me doing evil), and absolute honesty (if I can't trust a friend to tell me the truth, how can I trust anyone else?)

To sum up a (very) long story, a had a group of friends about six months ago that I had grown so close to I considered them family. Shortly after my nasty breakup with my long-time girlfriend and fiancee, these people turned against me and instead of providing me with the emotional support I needed in one of the most trying times of my life, they shunned me from their social group because it was convenient to side with my ex completely instead of discerning all of the story. This strikes me especially hard because this group of people prides themself on being honorous above all things, and I feel taking a hard and fast approach of cutting someone out instead of finding the true story betrays that honor completely.

Beyond that betrayal of honor and morality (and honesty, since they didn't talk to me about it), there is one further. A number of my closer friends (whom I still talk to) remain in that social group. My ex, whom I have become good friends with again, and a friend named Sarah, are both certainly in that group.

My dilemma comes in this. Though I would expect them to stand up for me in the group of obviously-misled friends of mine, I don't necessarily "expect" them to. I suppose the difference lies in being disappointed with my friends that they are not more supportive of me, and being disappointed in myself that I picked friends that are not more supportive of me. I'm firmly in the second category.

It's not so much that I expect my friends to be proactive in this way as much as I'm disappointed that they're not. I don't know if that makes sense, but refer to my previous paragraph.

What do you think? Leave a comment.

An Introduction to Madness

Alright, so I've been convinced to make one of these despite my considerable aversion to the medium. Dissauded by livejournal and myspace, I found the world of blogging to be one of vanity and interpersonal drama, with brief periods of helpful information.

However, as a self-publishing tool, as a journal, or simply a release of thoughts and feelings I can see a blog as an important and powerful medium to express oneself. In no other way can one's thoughts be so easily put to "paper," and so easily shared with those who care. The negative side of this, of course, is that they are also so easily criticized by those who care not.

This blog will be a series of snapshots of my frame of mind. Each entry a conglomerate of what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, and what I believe.

I promise to avoid making personal comments outside of a realm of reference. I have seen too many of the aforementioned blogging methods go awry because something is taken out of context, misinterpreted, and seen as a scathing insult. I also promise never to write anything here that I don't want any person to read, and I acknowledge that a post made to this blog is, metaphorically speaking, standing on a soapbox and letting the world know exactly what I'm saying. In making these affirmations, I hope to avoid much of the drama I have seen caused by blogs in the past.

I hope you enjoy reading this thought-dump, and I warn you that like my title implies this blog has a blank subject. Anything and everything goes.