Fear

I'm tired.

I've sat here for four months waiting for something to happen -- something to change, or more correctly, to change back. Something, ANYTHING, but it simply didn't happen.

I made a promise to someone a couple months ago, even though she's not in my life anymore. I promised her that on New Year's I would move on. I intend to keep that promise. I have other friends, I have other people that I'm very close to. I will never be able to fill the hole that Jasmine has left in my life, but maybe, just maybe, I can cover it up a little bit with the friends I still have who love me very much.

I'm afraid to be alone. Is that a human fear, or just me? I know many many people who are afraid to be alone, but also many who are not. I hate to be alone -- I feel my own existence invalidated simply by the lack of people around me. In many ways I believe that a person exists entirely because they are percieved by others, and if one has no impact on others' lives, then that person does not matter. This is not a hard and fast rule (anymore), and there are many "ifs," "ands," and "buts," but as a general rule I feel people are defined by those around them. When I am alone, I feel myself undefined, I find myself confused and scared with no one to turn to. I hope I'm not the only one who feels like that.

I have lost so much in the past half year, I can't even bear to think about it. I've lost my hobby, my career, my wife, my friends, my home, and in my ways my future. I have a few very dear friends left, of course, and I still have my family, but in many ways I have lost myself, as well. Aubrianne, Lewis, you never cease to amaze me with how much love and caring you show me for someone as blatantly uninteresting as myself. Mom, you really make me angry nearly every time I talk to you about things, which is why I tend to keep you out of it. But sometimes, you're there right when I need you. Sarah Beth, well, I know if there's ever something I need to talk about, my sister will be there for me as always. I treasure our closeness. I love you all very dearly, but so often I can't see the trees that are left from the clearcut that has happened. So many people hate me, despise me, will leave at the very mention of me. People I once trusted. People I called "friend" with no hesitation. Including the ultimate betrayal of the only person I have ever completely opened my heart to, and the penultimate betrayal of the only person I showed my full pain to.

It's difficult to imagine how there are still solid things in life when everything has been so suddenly sweeped out from underneath me. It's nigh impossible. I'd hard to continue when everything I continued for is gone. I am not a self-motivating person. I know you are, Aubrianne, and I know you are, Lewis, and EVERYONE knows you are, Mom and SB, but I'm not. I have never been. In school I was motivated by my family. In life I was motivated by my friends. In love I was motivated by my Reinita. So quickly all my motivations have faded. My family can't motivate me to go to class anymore, it doesn't make any sense. My friends can't be there to motivate me to get up, to get a job, to live. My Reinita left me for a man who lives in Denmark, and settled for a man who lives just six hours away (the penultimate betrayer of the above paragraph). I can count on my hands how many times I have WANTED to get up in the past four months. Everything is fading. My love, my life, my career, my will to push forward. Slowly, so very slowly, it's getting better, but far too slowly.

I have nothing to be strong for anymore. Don't say "yourself," because that's never worked for me. I used to be strong for Jasmine, and she would be strong for me. Before that I was strong because I didn't know any other way to be. Now, I'm just weak, when everyone around me just wants me to be strong, especially Jasmine. I will try to be strong for her, and I will tell her that she is not to tell me not to. I know I need to self-motivate, but I've tried so hard and failed so much, I'm tired of trying. Maybe, someday, someone will help me see that I, in myself, am worth motivation, but I honestly don't know.

Sorry for the depressing posting, I'm feeling sad.

I'm supposed to see Jasmine tomorrow. That might be nice. I'm hopefully going to see Aubrianne soon too, after she finishes all her family Christmas stuff, and talk to her about what happened with Jasmine. I'm scared to tell her what I did. I'm scared she won't respect me anymore, the way I don't respect me anymore. Oh well, I suppose I deserve it.

Right after it all happened, I got to a point where I just didn't care about anything. My emotions died, and I just went forward because I had to. Maybe I need to go there again, but I hated it.... We'll see.

Thanks for listening,
Adam