At Kirsten's behest, this time, I write again. Once more, loyal readers, I give your life meaning. Be thankful, for I shall not always attend to your needs so (in)frequently.
This is more of a follow-up to my previous posting than anything, as I believe I have happened upon real proof of the existence of Gremlins.
Yes, dear readers, though this may shock you, Gremlins appear to be living in my home, or at the least, my room. My last posting detailed the happenings of the mysteriously out of place pillow, which moved from its original place of rest to the side of the room while I slept. I submit now, for your discussion, this newest quandary.
I worked yesterday night until 11:00pm. Upon returning home, I nearly passed out when I hit the bed, without a chance to don my (infinitely manly) pajamas. when I awake, I look down, find that I am still wearing my work uniform, however my work shirt is on backwards.
Yes, my dearest readers. BACKWARDS.
Clearly in the nine hours I was at work, someone would have noticed and accordingly informed me of the fact that my shirt was backwards. In fact, certainly someone would have corrected me, and/or derided me for that fact. However that did not happen. I certainly did not take my shirt off and flip it during the night, or beforehand, and thus the only explanation that remains, however unlikely, must be true (eat your heart out, Conan Doyle).
There are Gremlins in my home.
I will keep you posted as frequently as I am able, however there's no telling when they'll cut the internet. If, readers, you don't hear from me in the next six months, be sure to infor#####0111001001000101001011010011
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[[TRANSMISSION TERMINATED]]
Monday, December 3, 2007
Saturday, October 6, 2007
How did my pillow get over there?
At Aubrianne's behest, I write another blog entry. I really have nothing to say, other than "Hello there, I live!" In looking for something to say, however, I noticed that my pillow had been tossed halfway across the room.
How in the heck did that happen?
Did some goblin secret themselves into my room, gently lift my head and steal the pillow?
Did I have a dream about some evil creature that can only be dispatched using pillow magic?
I have no idea, but the fact remains that beneath my head is a mattress, while half the room away is my pillow.
On a possibly-related note, my neck hurts.
I didn't get to talk to Aubrianne today. I noticed she messaged me about an hour before I woke up, sadly. I wasn't thinking about the significant time difference when I didn't set an alarm. I'm a little disappointed that I missed her, but I'll make sure to be up tomorrow when she's on.
I'll bet you miss me, loyal readers. I know that I'm the center of your internet life and you check my blog daily (if not HOURLY!) for any impending updates! That said, I miss none of you, having ascended past the need for such visceral things as a "readership." Also, I post bi-monthly (if you're lucky), and I do crazy things like throw my pillow across the room WHILE sleeping on it!
You really should get something better to do.
Consider this a metaphorical finger-wagging!
How in the heck did that happen?
Did some goblin secret themselves into my room, gently lift my head and steal the pillow?
Did I have a dream about some evil creature that can only be dispatched using pillow magic?
I have no idea, but the fact remains that beneath my head is a mattress, while half the room away is my pillow.
On a possibly-related note, my neck hurts.
I didn't get to talk to Aubrianne today. I noticed she messaged me about an hour before I woke up, sadly. I wasn't thinking about the significant time difference when I didn't set an alarm. I'm a little disappointed that I missed her, but I'll make sure to be up tomorrow when she's on.
I'll bet you miss me, loyal readers. I know that I'm the center of your internet life and you check my blog daily (if not HOURLY!) for any impending updates! That said, I miss none of you, having ascended past the need for such visceral things as a "readership." Also, I post bi-monthly (if you're lucky), and I do crazy things like throw my pillow across the room WHILE sleeping on it!
You really should get something better to do.
Consider this a metaphorical finger-wagging!
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Thursday, March 29, 2007
It's Been Awhile, huh?
Been almost two months, and much has changed.
Only one thing worth mentioning though:
I met a girl, and she makes me happy.
I'm glad to be happy.
Only one thing worth mentioning though:
I met a girl, and she makes me happy.
I'm glad to be happy.
Friday, February 2, 2007
Of Women and Breakups
So as if I didn't have enough drama in my life, Jasmine was dumped by Nathan and I'm now the willing rebound-guy, if you will. Nah, it's not quite that bad, but she's leaning on me pretty hard and I'm almost to the point of asking her to back off a little, but won't because A) I want to make sure that there is someone there for her, and I always feel more comfortable doing something myself, and B) I don't want to blow this chance at restoring lost trust. Oh, yah, and a little bit of C) I like the attention too, but don't tell anyone.
I'm happy with her. We've waxed ironic about getting back together sometime in the future, and both agree that we'd probably be happy together, but that we can't do it right now. On her side it's because she's still not over Nathan and if we did get together I really WOULD be the rebound, and on my side I just barely got to the point where I can function on my own and not feel lonely or unloved, and I'm loathe to give that up. Some things we do remind me of what we had, and we'll occasionally lock eyes and gaze for awhile and remember the good times and take comfort in company, but mostly I'm committed to making sure she's happy again, and she's committed to making herself more healthy so that she can pursue life again. That I can get behind.
I'm being careful though. Little hints of falling back in love with her are showing, and I'm recognizing them and supressing them. For instance, being jealous. I'm not allowed to be jealous anymore when she tells me she can now flirt with some cute guy at work, but it doesn't stop it from happening, heh. C'est la vie, I suppose. It will either pass with time, pass with effort, or stay no matter what, and nothing I can do will change the way I feel, so I survive.
I'm so proud of Jasmine though. She is taking the high road here and doing what's difficult for her in regards to Nathan, and what I could not do with her, and in doing so she will most certainly heal faster and with fewer scars, and have a better chance of restoring their friendship. She's keeping herself intact, as much as possible, but still knowing when to reach for help, be it from me, from her family, from Lewis, or from anyone else. I'm so very proud of her for being strong when it would be so easy to be weak. That's my girl.
I'm happy with her. We've waxed ironic about getting back together sometime in the future, and both agree that we'd probably be happy together, but that we can't do it right now. On her side it's because she's still not over Nathan and if we did get together I really WOULD be the rebound, and on my side I just barely got to the point where I can function on my own and not feel lonely or unloved, and I'm loathe to give that up. Some things we do remind me of what we had, and we'll occasionally lock eyes and gaze for awhile and remember the good times and take comfort in company, but mostly I'm committed to making sure she's happy again, and she's committed to making herself more healthy so that she can pursue life again. That I can get behind.
I'm being careful though. Little hints of falling back in love with her are showing, and I'm recognizing them and supressing them. For instance, being jealous. I'm not allowed to be jealous anymore when she tells me she can now flirt with some cute guy at work, but it doesn't stop it from happening, heh. C'est la vie, I suppose. It will either pass with time, pass with effort, or stay no matter what, and nothing I can do will change the way I feel, so I survive.
I'm so proud of Jasmine though. She is taking the high road here and doing what's difficult for her in regards to Nathan, and what I could not do with her, and in doing so she will most certainly heal faster and with fewer scars, and have a better chance of restoring their friendship. She's keeping herself intact, as much as possible, but still knowing when to reach for help, be it from me, from her family, from Lewis, or from anyone else. I'm so very proud of her for being strong when it would be so easy to be weak. That's my girl.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Friday, December 22, 2006
Fear
I'm tired.
I've sat here for four months waiting for something to happen -- something to change, or more correctly, to change back. Something, ANYTHING, but it simply didn't happen.
I made a promise to someone a couple months ago, even though she's not in my life anymore. I promised her that on New Year's I would move on. I intend to keep that promise. I have other friends, I have other people that I'm very close to. I will never be able to fill the hole that Jasmine has left in my life, but maybe, just maybe, I can cover it up a little bit with the friends I still have who love me very much.
I'm afraid to be alone. Is that a human fear, or just me? I know many many people who are afraid to be alone, but also many who are not. I hate to be alone -- I feel my own existence invalidated simply by the lack of people around me. In many ways I believe that a person exists entirely because they are percieved by others, and if one has no impact on others' lives, then that person does not matter. This is not a hard and fast rule (anymore), and there are many "ifs," "ands," and "buts," but as a general rule I feel people are defined by those around them. When I am alone, I feel myself undefined, I find myself confused and scared with no one to turn to. I hope I'm not the only one who feels like that.
I have lost so much in the past half year, I can't even bear to think about it. I've lost my hobby, my career, my wife, my friends, my home, and in my ways my future. I have a few very dear friends left, of course, and I still have my family, but in many ways I have lost myself, as well. Aubrianne, Lewis, you never cease to amaze me with how much love and caring you show me for someone as blatantly uninteresting as myself. Mom, you really make me angry nearly every time I talk to you about things, which is why I tend to keep you out of it. But sometimes, you're there right when I need you. Sarah Beth, well, I know if there's ever something I need to talk about, my sister will be there for me as always. I treasure our closeness. I love you all very dearly, but so often I can't see the trees that are left from the clearcut that has happened. So many people hate me, despise me, will leave at the very mention of me. People I once trusted. People I called "friend" with no hesitation. Including the ultimate betrayal of the only person I have ever completely opened my heart to, and the penultimate betrayal of the only person I showed my full pain to.
It's difficult to imagine how there are still solid things in life when everything has been so suddenly sweeped out from underneath me. It's nigh impossible. I'd hard to continue when everything I continued for is gone. I am not a self-motivating person. I know you are, Aubrianne, and I know you are, Lewis, and EVERYONE knows you are, Mom and SB, but I'm not. I have never been. In school I was motivated by my family. In life I was motivated by my friends. In love I was motivated by my Reinita. So quickly all my motivations have faded. My family can't motivate me to go to class anymore, it doesn't make any sense. My friends can't be there to motivate me to get up, to get a job, to live. My Reinita left me for a man who lives in Denmark, and settled for a man who lives just six hours away (the penultimate betrayer of the above paragraph). I can count on my hands how many times I have WANTED to get up in the past four months. Everything is fading. My love, my life, my career, my will to push forward. Slowly, so very slowly, it's getting better, but far too slowly.
I have nothing to be strong for anymore. Don't say "yourself," because that's never worked for me. I used to be strong for Jasmine, and she would be strong for me. Before that I was strong because I didn't know any other way to be. Now, I'm just weak, when everyone around me just wants me to be strong, especially Jasmine. I will try to be strong for her, and I will tell her that she is not to tell me not to. I know I need to self-motivate, but I've tried so hard and failed so much, I'm tired of trying. Maybe, someday, someone will help me see that I, in myself, am worth motivation, but I honestly don't know.
Sorry for the depressing posting, I'm feeling sad.
I'm supposed to see Jasmine tomorrow. That might be nice. I'm hopefully going to see Aubrianne soon too, after she finishes all her family Christmas stuff, and talk to her about what happened with Jasmine. I'm scared to tell her what I did. I'm scared she won't respect me anymore, the way I don't respect me anymore. Oh well, I suppose I deserve it.
Right after it all happened, I got to a point where I just didn't care about anything. My emotions died, and I just went forward because I had to. Maybe I need to go there again, but I hated it.... We'll see.
Thanks for listening,
Adam
I've sat here for four months waiting for something to happen -- something to change, or more correctly, to change back. Something, ANYTHING, but it simply didn't happen.
I made a promise to someone a couple months ago, even though she's not in my life anymore. I promised her that on New Year's I would move on. I intend to keep that promise. I have other friends, I have other people that I'm very close to. I will never be able to fill the hole that Jasmine has left in my life, but maybe, just maybe, I can cover it up a little bit with the friends I still have who love me very much.
I'm afraid to be alone. Is that a human fear, or just me? I know many many people who are afraid to be alone, but also many who are not. I hate to be alone -- I feel my own existence invalidated simply by the lack of people around me. In many ways I believe that a person exists entirely because they are percieved by others, and if one has no impact on others' lives, then that person does not matter. This is not a hard and fast rule (anymore), and there are many "ifs," "ands," and "buts," but as a general rule I feel people are defined by those around them. When I am alone, I feel myself undefined, I find myself confused and scared with no one to turn to. I hope I'm not the only one who feels like that.
I have lost so much in the past half year, I can't even bear to think about it. I've lost my hobby, my career, my wife, my friends, my home, and in my ways my future. I have a few very dear friends left, of course, and I still have my family, but in many ways I have lost myself, as well. Aubrianne, Lewis, you never cease to amaze me with how much love and caring you show me for someone as blatantly uninteresting as myself. Mom, you really make me angry nearly every time I talk to you about things, which is why I tend to keep you out of it. But sometimes, you're there right when I need you. Sarah Beth, well, I know if there's ever something I need to talk about, my sister will be there for me as always. I treasure our closeness. I love you all very dearly, but so often I can't see the trees that are left from the clearcut that has happened. So many people hate me, despise me, will leave at the very mention of me. People I once trusted. People I called "friend" with no hesitation. Including the ultimate betrayal of the only person I have ever completely opened my heart to, and the penultimate betrayal of the only person I showed my full pain to.
It's difficult to imagine how there are still solid things in life when everything has been so suddenly sweeped out from underneath me. It's nigh impossible. I'd hard to continue when everything I continued for is gone. I am not a self-motivating person. I know you are, Aubrianne, and I know you are, Lewis, and EVERYONE knows you are, Mom and SB, but I'm not. I have never been. In school I was motivated by my family. In life I was motivated by my friends. In love I was motivated by my Reinita. So quickly all my motivations have faded. My family can't motivate me to go to class anymore, it doesn't make any sense. My friends can't be there to motivate me to get up, to get a job, to live. My Reinita left me for a man who lives in Denmark, and settled for a man who lives just six hours away (the penultimate betrayer of the above paragraph). I can count on my hands how many times I have WANTED to get up in the past four months. Everything is fading. My love, my life, my career, my will to push forward. Slowly, so very slowly, it's getting better, but far too slowly.
I have nothing to be strong for anymore. Don't say "yourself," because that's never worked for me. I used to be strong for Jasmine, and she would be strong for me. Before that I was strong because I didn't know any other way to be. Now, I'm just weak, when everyone around me just wants me to be strong, especially Jasmine. I will try to be strong for her, and I will tell her that she is not to tell me not to. I know I need to self-motivate, but I've tried so hard and failed so much, I'm tired of trying. Maybe, someday, someone will help me see that I, in myself, am worth motivation, but I honestly don't know.
Sorry for the depressing posting, I'm feeling sad.
I'm supposed to see Jasmine tomorrow. That might be nice. I'm hopefully going to see Aubrianne soon too, after she finishes all her family Christmas stuff, and talk to her about what happened with Jasmine. I'm scared to tell her what I did. I'm scared she won't respect me anymore, the way I don't respect me anymore. Oh well, I suppose I deserve it.
Right after it all happened, I got to a point where I just didn't care about anything. My emotions died, and I just went forward because I had to. Maybe I need to go there again, but I hated it.... We'll see.
Thanks for listening,
Adam
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